This blog post isn’t meant to be taken as an explanation or discussion about of the concept of the duality of our nature, because it’s not (you can do your own research to learn about it for yourself if you’d like), but I’m just sharing some personal revelations I’ve had about this concept and what it means to me at this point in my life. No doubt I’ll gain more insight as I grow, but for now, this is where I’m at. You may be in a different place of understanding, and that’s okay, too.
I’ve really struggled with the concept of “embracing the dark side” of myself, because, well, like everyone else, I don’t like to think about my dark side for all the normal reasons. But also, the memory of who I was before I was born is so strong with me. Remembering what it was like to be innocent and pure, and remembering how, as soon as I left that place to come to earth, a darkness came inside of me. Not really a darkness darkness. I don’t guess that’s the right way to put it. But some of the light left. It became dim. I’m not sure how to best describe it, but being sent here did something to me. It changed me.
No doubt it’s the same for everyone. I’m not special in that regard, I know. But leaving such pure light and love: that brings sorrow to me, and I’ve been grieving that loss my whole life, wanting so badly to be pure and innocent again, but knowing that I will never be, especially considering all the abuse that screwed me up from the beginning (so it feels like).
So a couple days ago, I was talking to Balthazar, one of my Guides, about how I felt about this, and something he said sparked understanding inside of me. I don’t know why I didn’t understand it before, because it seems like it should be a pretty simple concept to grasp, but I guess I just wasn’t in the right place to receive.
I told him, “I want to be innocent and pure again!”
He responded, “You are.”
“But I’m not!” I insisted. “I was tainted early on by other people, and I’ve made mistakes myself, made bad decisions, done the wrong things, said wrong things, had bad thoughts, bad attitudes, bad habits. All of it. I’m flawed. I’m tainted and I’m flawed.”
He smiled and said, “Yes, you are that too. You are both. You are innocent and pure, and you are also tainted and flawed. You are both.”
His statement hit me suddenly, and I began to understand. “I’m both?” I asked him, thinking it over in my heart.
“You are both,” he replied.
“I’m both,” I said again, wondering at that statement.
“You are both,” he repeated.
“I’m both!” I finally started to understand.
And he chuckled at me a little, and hugged me close. “Yes, you are both.”
I asked him what to do about it, then. What to do in order to accept both sides of me? Is there a meeting place for both parts of me?
And yes, there is.
I saw in my mind’s eye both parts of me — the innocent and pure, as well as the tainted and flawed — one a small child and dressed in spotless white, and the other a grown woman and dressed in dark rags. They stood in front of each other and regarded one another for a few moments. Then they came together and hugged, and walked away holding hands.
The light and the dark. The pure and the flawed. The innocent and the tainted. They are both me. I am both. And it still baffles me a little bit to think about this, but in this journey of life, both sides of me are needed.
Please don’t misunderstand. It’s not a matter of “seeking the darkness,” in the sense of darkness being synonymous with evil. This is not about evil at all, but it’s about being human.
See, in this life, no matter how “perfect” someone appears to be on the outside, they are still flawed. No matter how wonderful of a childhood they had, they have still been tainted in some way by someone or something. No matter how much good they do or say, there are times where they say wrong things and do wrong things and think wrong things. No matter how kind of a heart they have, there are unhealthy and harmful attitudes stagnating inside their hearts that they have to learn to overcome.
But learning to accept and embrace our humanity — our tainted and flawed self — is an essential part of our journey.
Sure, we could stay up in heaven for the entirety of our existence, and stay perfect and innocent and pure, and we’d no doubt be happy for eternity, too, as happy as we could be without having any knowledge at all about what being unhappy means. Without having any point of comparison to know what happiness actually is. But happy or not, we’d be of no use to anyone, really, and we’d never learn past that point in our existence. It’s only in the taking up of a tainted and flawed humanity that we begin to learn and grow and evolve.
There exists within me a place of remembering what it was like to be innocent and pure, and while I used to grieve and desperately wish I could go back to that place, I realize now that there’s a better place ahead of me. This place is a path that has been set before me that I walk every day. It’s a path of growing and learning, of accepting and embracing myself even as I learn to accept and embrace others. It’s a path of worthiness that has been achieved through trial and fire, and of learning to see the worthiness in others, as well.
Life isn’t about being perfect, but it’s about learning to not be perfect, and being at peace with this path begins when I pick up my humanity with all of her beautiful imperfections and learn to reconcile myself to both parts of me: the innocent child and the flawed woman.
I am both. And that is exactly how it should be.
Diary of a Christian Mystic 