About Dissociative Disorders

DISCLAIMER: I am not a health professional. What I’ve written on this page are my personal opinions and experiences, and they should not to be used in place of professional advice, nor to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any disease or condition. Please seek the advice of your own health professional if you are in need.

When I talk about dissociative disorders—what caused it for me, what it is like living with it, how I am finding healing, etc.—it is for these reasons:

✔ to Share my experiences in life, the same as everyone else does;
✔ to Educate others from my perspective;
✔ to Bring Awareness;
✔ and to Advocate for others who have dissociative disorders.

There are a lot stigmas surrounding this disorder, in large part because the entertainment industry uses hyper-dramatized and sensationalized garbage to further the negative stigmas that people believe. Their exaggerations and untruths do nothing to help or to advocate for survivors of abuse, but actually help create an environment whereby victims are misunderstood, often mischaracterized as “insane” or “crazy murders,” and abusers can go undetected. Or, just as bad, their mischaracterizations fetishize the disorder, adding to the growing list of people who fake disorders and diseases for personal gain, thereby delegitimizing those who truly do suffer.

The negative stigma is also furthered by abusers themselves, who get away with their crimes for many years by hiding behind their fake personas. They use tactics such as gaslighting and deflection, and engage in a systematic campaign of purposeful disinformation in an attempt to isolate and delegitimize their victims, and to rally supporters to their side. This dynamic plays out on a small scale, such as within individual families, or on a larger scale, such as with religious or political groups.

And this is why I openly talk about my experiences on my websites: to educate, to bring awareness, and to advocate.

So in that spirit, here’s a basic overview of dissociation and some links so you can read from a more clinical viewpoint.

Please Note:

For those who need a greater depth of understanding for themselves or a loved, one, two resources I highly recommend are Nate Postlethwait and Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle.

Much of what I’ve written here is largely from my personal experiences, and not everyone who is dissociative or who works with dissociative individuals would necessarily relate to my experiences, but here are some professional sources I’ve used to help compile this information:

Definitions

The dictionary defines dissociation as being the state of being separate from association or union with another. Some synonyms include: separation, detachment, severance, split, segregation, division.

In psychology, dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. It can range from any wide array of experiences from mild detachment (daydreaming) to severe (dissociative disorders).

Dissociative Disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. It involves problems with memory, identity, emotion, perception, behavior and sense of self.

As of this writing, psychologists have identified three types of dissociative disorders:

  • Dissociative identity disorder (DID)
  • Dissociative amnesia
  • Depersonalization/derealization disorder

There are different levels of dissociation, and everyone dissociates to a degree. If you have ever been driving down the road and find yourself pulling into your driveway without any memory of actually driving, you have experienced what is commonly called “highway hypnosis.” This is a mild form of dissociation. Daydreaming is also a mild form of dissociation.

Where dissociation can become a problem is when it is persistent, distressing, and interferes with everyday life. This usually takes place under extreme and incessant trauma or prolonged stress. An individual can dissociate as a coping or defensive mechanism, and if the stress or trauma persists, the individual can develop a trauma disorder, such as PTSD or CPTSD, which can develop into or coexist with a dissociative disorder, such as DID.

In this way, dissociative disorders are closely related to PTSD and CPTSD.

DID

In order to understand dissociative disorders, it is first important to understand what it is not:

  • DID is not descriptive of having childhood imaginary friends
  • it is not an “inner child”
  • it is not demon possession
  • it is not a psychosis, nor is it a mental illness as they are commonly understood, although an individual with a dissociative disorder can have comorbid disorders
  • it is not a contagious disorder nor is it a genetic disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) was previously known as MPD, or, Multiple Personality Disorder. Those with dissociative disorders can have other diagnosable mental health problems at the same time, with PTSD/CPTSD being the most common.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, symptoms of dissociative identity disorder include:

  • The existence of two or more distinct identities (or “personality states”).
    • The distinct identities are accompanied by changes in behavior, memory and thinking.
    • The signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.
  • Ongoing gaps in memory about everyday events, personal information and/or past traumatic events.
  • The symptoms cause significant distress or problems in social, occupational or other areas of functioning.

Individuals with varying degrees of DID who are aware of their dissociative parts (and not every dissociative individual is aware of their dissociative parts), can refer to those parts of them as “alters, parts, others,” or similar terms; or simply by their name, if they have a different name.

When another part of them takes control of the physical body or conscious mind, this can be called “switching.”

The individual who has DID can also sometimes be aware of an “inside world” that can be referred to as their system, or other terms, and can be a reflection of the trauma itself to one degree or another.

This dissociative system consists of both safe and unsafe parts of the individual’s inside world that has been subconsciously created by the individual themselves, or purposefully by others.

The dissociative system also houses all the psychological/emotional parts of the whole who stay there when they aren’t taking full or partial control of the body, mind, and/or emotions.

In the case of certain types of systematic psychological abuse caused by religious or deep-state groups1, the individual’s subconscious is purposefully manipulated through trauma of varying degrees, causing the inner world of the dissociative individual to reflect this trauma with elements of this extreme form of brainwashing present within their internal world. This is not to say that every element is reflective of such manipulation, but some can be.

For example, the dissociative system can have prisons or tunnel systems, with demons as guards, protecting the secrets and memory of the trauma that reside in the far-reaches of the individual’s subconscious.

The process of creating these mental blocks is sometimes referred to as “mind-control programming” by some groups of people (who most often have not personally lived through such trauma), but I don’t prefer that term anymore. It suggests that individuals have no will of their own but are helpless and forever at the mercy of these “programmers,” unless they get help from someone who claims to be an “expert at deprograming.” This is a disempowering attitude that does not help those who have been traumatized by such agendas, but instead engenders fear, serving to leave them in a perpetual victimized state. It also serves to pad the pockets and boost the careers of many self-proclaimed “de- and re-programming experts,” con-artists who are taking advantage of those who have suffered horribly.

Speaking for myself, my internal worlds also acted as a doorway to the spirit world in the same way an occultist or an esotericist would visualize an internal space for the purposes of meditation, contacting the Spirit, astral work, etc.2 This was both a positive experience as well as a negative experience, but I learned to be discerning, closing the doors to the negative while also keeping the doors open to the positive. In the past, this was largely accomplished by simply submitting the process over to God, which I’ll mention in a moment, but more recently, this is not even an issue any longer, since my internal world created through childhood trauma has disappeared. Now when I “go inward” for the purposes of meditation and prayer, or even in times of stress, it is to the house that Jesus built for me. Not the place of my childhood.

I’m not saying this is how it is with everyone who is or has been dissociative, but this is how it has been for me.

What Causes DID

There is some debate, but professionals generally agree that DID is most often caused by persistent and extreme trauma at an early age. The child, who is unable to physically remove themselves from harm, psychologically dissociates (separates) from the abusive environment.

There is evidence that suggests when exposed to repeated, overwhelming trauma, children under the age of seven are more likely to develop DID than an adult, given the same set of circumstances. However, once a child has begun to cope in this fashion, he or she will be able to split off new identities at any subsequent age when under stress.

Some examples of persistent and/or extreme trauma can include:

  • physical and/or sexual abuse
  • psychological trauma, including purposeful psychological manipulation by religious or deep-state groups, as described above and in the footnotes3
  • neglect
  • ongoing war environment
  • sadistic or satanic ritual abuse (SRA), also referred to as ritual abuse (RA)

Basically speaking, dissociation is a coping and defense mechanism that a child instinctively employs in order to survive extreme trauma. When the trauma is persistent and overwhelming, the resulting dissociation can become extreme, and over time, what started off as a helpful coping mechanism in the face of extreme trauma, eventually turns into a disorder, becoming an involuntary lifestyle and the exclusive or chief coping strategy the person has available to them.

My Experience with Dissociation

Looking back, I recognize that my dissociation was extreme as a child, with severe symptoms that, as odd as it may sound to the 21st century person, largely went unnoticed by Mother.

I certainly can concede that the wealth of information about mental health issues that we enjoy today was not always around; therefore, ignorance about such would be understandable. Furthermore, there are a variety of ways people treat a deviation from what is thought to be “normal social behavior” (however “normal” is defined by any one particular society within any given culture), and it all hinges, perhaps, on their own limited understanding that is based upon their experiences. So in this respect, I don’t blame Mother for her natural limitations.

On the other hand, the ongoing abuse I suffered at the hands of my Mother was the initial cause of my dissociation, so it stands to reason that any sign of something being “wrong” with me, would by-and-large be ignored by her. When she did acknowledge something was “off” with me it was in a contemptuous fashion, either privately or publicly, as she mocked me for “being spacey” or for always having my “head in the clouds.” Or, she acknowledged my dissociation in a physically abusive way, beating me for “not listening to her” or for “not looking at her” when she talked (screamed) at me. She would often angrily disparage me for “staring right through her” as if she weren’t there, and many slaps and beatings came about because I wasn’t looking at her “in the right way”.

Rather than the “hard switches” of childhood, when I had no awareness of the outside world during a dissociative episode, as an adult, dissociation has most often felt more like a “slide” into limited awareness of surroundings: a limited ability to be in touch with my emotions and thoughts, and a limited control of words and actions. On a small handful of occasions, I have had a “hard switch,” and not remembered events or conversations that took place during a dissociative episode, but I usually have had at least some level of awareness.

As an adult, this “level of awareness” has most often felt like extreme depersonalization, whereby I have felt as if I am a stranger in my own body: a shell that houses other people’s emotions and thoughts, with no clear access to or understanding of my own emotions or thoughts. Looking through the eyes of someone else’s body. Walking in someone else’s shoes. Hearing words that are not my own, coming from a mouth that is not my own, spoken from a place of a far-away emotion that I can sense, but not understand or fully connect to. Seeing a stranger’s reflection in the mirror. Experiencing a sudden disorientation when driving, and feeling confusion over how to drive the car, or confusion over what the colors at the light mean.

Finding Healing: My Experience

Dissociative or depersonalization episodes don’t just happened out of the blue. They are most often triggered by extreme stress, excitement, or some sort of circumstance or event that spontaneously elicits an emotional and psychological response within me. Most often it is a negative experience. But sometimes it can feel positive, such as when I’m playing with my grandbaby and I get a strong, overwhelming feeling that I am a baby again, too, but coming from a happy place this time.

Sometimes it’s a mixture of both positive and negative, such as during social situations: I may feel happy in the moment, but I can often say or do things that I wouldn’t normally say or do, and later, when I am alone again, I often feel confused, anxious, and depressed, not feeling as if I can ever truly “be myself” around other people, because “myself” has so many disconnected parts.

However, after several hard years of processing the past traumas, my dissociation is now less severe for several reasons.

For one, I have been practicing being in touch with and accepting my emotions. Taking the time to “sit” with my emotions and observe them in a non-judgmental way. Over time, this has helped me to be able to more quickly identify what I’m feeling, what triggered the feeling, why I’m feeling, and what action I will take. It helps me feel less disconnected to myself, in better control of my emotions, and in better control of my reaction to the situation.

For example:

What I’m feeling: “I feel angry.”

What triggered the feeling: “I don’t like that my co-worker started meddling with my project without asking me first. I did not ask for her help, I do not need her help. I feel like her intrusion is rude, unnecessary, it is impeding my work, and now I have to spend time fixing what she messed up.”

Why I am feeling: “This reminds me of how I felt when Mother never allowed me to do things for myself, and when she criticized my every effort to be independent or to express an independent thought. It reminds me of how it feels to have to fight for autonomy, even with the most basic things, and how it feels to constantly lose that fight for my own independence.”

What action I will take: “I will not be worried about how anxious and tight I feel in my body right now, because I will practice breath control and this scary feeling will eventually pass; I will remind myself that she is not Mother, that this is a different person and a different situation, and that I am not helpless; I will tell her to please stay out of my spreadsheet while I’m trying to work on it because it’s making my work more difficult; I will not worry about her response, because her response to my boundary is her problem and not mine; and I will continue working on this project.”

The process starts off much messier than the example above, but after practicing for a while (years…lol), it gets significantly easier.

And by the way, everything worked out just fine with the situation described above, and at the end of the day I actually appreciated the practice on working through those things. This is one example of how to use triggers to get better, rather than attempt to avoid all triggers, which is impossible.

Aside from working on “sitting” with my emotions rather than running away from them in fear, confusion, or shame, there are other reasons my dissociation is much less severe now, such as:

I am no longer being daily traumatized, because I have:

⇒ separated myself from unsafe situations and people, to the best of my ability;

⇒ and kept unnecessary triggers as low as possible, to the best of my ability.

For example:

  • I have learned that it is okay, and even necessary, to avoid contact with abusive, toxic people, so I have gone “no contact” with my past abusers, including my mother, but also including those who defend, excuse, or befriend her.
  • Either I avoid going into public places where I know unsafe people will be (in other words, past abusers or those who defend or excuse past abusers), or I mentally and emotionally brace myself for a possible encounter, prepare for my “escape” options, and never go alone.
  • I have changed my telephone numbers and changed or deleted social media accounts when necessary.
  • Although my particular circumstance is such that moving will not prevent my past abusers from knowing where I’m at and keeping track of me or harassing me if they want to (they have done this in the past), I have moved to a different location from past abusers, which helps facilitate a more peaceful state of mind for me.

(NOTE: not all triggers can be avoided, and not all should be avoided, because if given the proper tools and support, we can learn and grow stronger from facing and overcoming those things, such as with my above example. However, common sense dictates that some triggers can and should be avoided. For example, going “no contact” or “limited contact” with perpetually abusive and toxic people, if we are able to, whether an abusive spouse/ex-spouse, an abusive family member, an abusive friend, or an abusive boss. This is especially important in the early stages of healing.)

⇒ I also have a support system, albeit small, of people who love and value me, namely my husband and adult children.

⇒ Additionally, I have educated myself on trauma disorders to the extent that I understand more about how I have coped with the trauma in the past, why I have coped in that fashion, why it is not a coping style that works for me now, and how to cope in healthier ways moving forward.

(For many people this education is helped along greatly by therapy. However, I have not been able to find a qualified trauma therapist, so much of this education has been from professional online sources, as well as years of introspection and personal assessment.)

⇒ I’ve also been able to get in touch with the other parts of me and work on processing the trauma that caused the dissociation in the first place. Journaling helped me with this, and it was especially important at the beginning, when it helped “unlock” those memories.

NOTE: remembering past traumas can sometimes be akin to retraumatization, and can be dangerous and lead to what is commonly called “flooding” (it did for me), so I’m not suggesting you do this for you, especially if you do not have a qualified mental health therapist helping you through that process, as I did not. I’m simply stating that, in looking back, journaling was overall helpful to me, in spite of the retraumatization it initially brought on.

Inward meditation (as opposed to “outward” or “upward” meditation) helps with this, too, although the above warning applies to this as well. But with the help of my Guides, the processing is less traumatic than it used to be.

⇒ And lastly, I covered this in my example above, but it bears repeating: when triggers come up, I am learning to use them as an opportunity for me to grow and heal.

These things are all part of the overall “physical side” of healing that is so important.

The biggest thing that has helped bring healing, however, is nurturing my relationship with God and submitting the entire process over to the Spirit, Who works through my Guides and the Holy Angels to help me. This is the spiritual side of healing, an equally important part of the overall process.

None of this has been an easy or neat process, however. Healing is a very messy road to go down. I still have bad periods of time when certain situations and people will trigger a dissociative response, I still struggle with depression at times, etc. But although I may always struggle with dissociation to one degree or another, as it is a trauma/stress response that has been ingrained into my from a very young age, it is much less severe and causes me less issues than before.

And as I persevere and keep working at it, day by day, looking to my Creator for His Solution, He brings peace and wholeness to me, through the Spirit, through the Angels, and through the Spirit Guides He has sent to help me along this path.

Footnotes

  1. “Deep State” — this term is often used to reference the types of organizations and individuals who are incredibly rich (often at taxpayer’s expense) and well-connected politically, who methodically work behind the scenes largely undetected, to control and manipulate events and people for their own purposes, especially within governments or other influential groups. This includes politically-motivated individuals and organizations within world government, State governments, the Judiciary systems, bankers, financiers, and others, pushing their own ideologies and agendas on a global scale (because it’s not just the United States!), fueled by their greed and lust for money, power, and control. They take advantage of, or foment, civil unrest with no regard for the welfare of, and often to the detriment of, the greater population. They very often use Orwellian terms, such as as “for the greater good,” to cause people to believe the opposite of what their intentions and actions are. I also use terms such as puppet master, puppeteers, or shadow government to describe these types of people and organizations.

    The corruption runs very deep, and based upon my experiences, I use this term “deep state” to speak of corrupt organizations such as the CIA, the FBI, and the military, as well as their non-U.S. equivalents (intelligence and military) who are the puppet masters running things behind the scenes, engaged in drug trafficking and human trafficking, including that of children, and who provide rich and powerful people, including world leaders, with their trafficked “goods,” in order to use it as leverage for political purposes. They also engage in experimental, government-run “projects,” such as the well-known MK Ultra (all too many people think it starts and ends there, however, which is infuriating to me), but it also includes many other government-run projects, such as the Stargate project. They are also involved in traumatizing children for such study, such as myself when I was young (see my blog post: Mind-control, Parapsychology, and Media Disinformation). There are likely multiple reasons, including “science,” to explain or justify why they do what they do, but ultimately, it is for geopolitical purposes fueled by the lust and greed for power, control, and money.
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  2. The years following my break from BM, I tried many times to shut that door to the spirit world because I had come to a point where I had thought that the open door was a bad thing. But I came to realize that the doorway is not “bad.” It’s how it is used and what I allow through that is either for a positive or for a negative purpose. However, the advice I would give to anyone who is struggling with their own spiritual experiences in a way that is similar to how I was struggling is to simply submit yourself (open yourself) to God/Spirit. Don’t worry about the door. Close it if you feel it’s for the best, but don’t focus on it or worry about. Focus on the Spirit, not on the door to the spirit realm, and you’ll likely find, as I did, that when your priorities are focused correctly, all things eventually fall into place exactly where they need to be.
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  3. “Psychological Manipulation” — this is what some refer to as “trauma-based mind-control programing” (TBMC) or “mind-control” (MC). I have used the term “government-sponsored mind-control programming” but I do not like the term “mind-control programming” because we are not computers to be programmed and operated by another person. We are people created by God, and sovereign in our right. So when possible, I now prefer to use the more accurate term “psychological manipulation” instead of the more sensationalized term TBMC or MC; and to use “deep state” instead of “government,” because the corruption involves more than just one government. ↩︎