The House That Jesus Built: a Memoir (Chapter Six)

The House That Jesus Built

9–14 minutes

Jesus continued his work with parts of me in my Inner World, and Balthazar continued his with me. I wrote about those things, and more, in some detail in my journals that I still kept up with sporadically.

On October 12th, 2021, I wrote how I’d been in the Main Hall talking to Jesus, and how he showed me that he’d integrated many of my parts into a single Other.

I wrote in part:

Jesus, who has been working with the Other parts of me, showed me today that he had integrated nearly everyone into One, and she looked beautiful. Not everyone, though. There are still a few around, but most of them, especially the older ones, look almost transparent, like they’re hanging around still, a bit unsure. Which makes me feel a little sad, like how I was with George. But I’m just going to wait and see what happens.

But anyways, me and the integrated Other hugged, and then from below, from the little door on the floor in the middle of the hall (is it called a hatch? the one that leads to the basement levels that I never liked going to?), that door suddenly flew open, and what looked like birds of fire started pouring out. Then they turned into lava that started streaming out of the floor. It was very alarming! But She—that other part of me who Jesus integrated into One—She just stood right there on top of the lava, like it didn’t bother her. Then She held out her hand to me, and all of us—She and I, Jesus, Balthazar, and the few Others who are left—we all flew up into the sky and looked down at the Main Hall. I could see the Big Angel Guardian down below, the one who looks like fiery gold from one angle, and burnished silver from another, and he looked up at us and waved goodbye. Then we were gone!

We landed in a place where all I could see were the Others around me, and also Jesus and Balthazar. I didn’t know where we were. I couldn’t see. It’s like we were in a space that was just space. Empty space. I asked Jesus where we were, and he said, “My Place. In my Father’s house are many Mansions.”

It seems ridiculous, but I didn’t understand what he meant. If we were at Jesus’s place, then where was everything? Why was it so dark? I asked Jesus again, “Where are we?”

He replied the same: “My Place. In my Father’s house are many Mansions.”

“But I can’t see anything,” I responded. “Why can’t I see? Where are we?”

Jesus replied the same as before, then he took my right hand and the left hand of Her (the one who had integrated), and put our hands together, so we were holding hands. Then he held out his arms, placing one hand on Her right shoulder, and his other hand on my left shoulder, and he pushed us together. When he did that, we touched and sort-of meshed together just a little bit, but not all the way. And when that happened, I started to see some of the things around me. It was a beautiful house, a cozy space with lots of rugs and deep, rich colors. There was a very large table right beside us, adorned with candles and a long tapestry that ran down the middle, and it was covered with all sorts of foods that the Others started eating right way. Balthazar gave me some food to eat, too, and Jesus gave me something to drink.

Then Balthazar took the integrated Other and I to the Pool that Jesus has there, too, his Mikveh that is in a separate house just off the main house, and She and I went into the pool together, quickly coming back out and wrapping ourselves in towels.

We redressed and went back into Jesus’s house and walked over to the couch in the sitting room that is just beside the dining room, and sat down, me in the middle with Balthazar on one side and She on the other side. I felt sort of exhausted mentally, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that I wanted to close my eyes and rest. So I rested.

After a little while, Jesus walked up to us and sat on the other side of the integrated Other, and he and Balthazar started pushing us together again. It felt strange, and we looked like two images overlaid on top of each other, slowly being merged together. I still feel Her merging with me even now, more and more, and it’s not an unpleasant feeling. Just different. Each major integration seems to be completely different, which is odd, I think.

Then Jesus placed his shawl over me and Balthazar, and walked away, leaving Balthazar and I by ourselves on the couch.

At some point, Balthazar roused me with a nudge and said, “Look.”

I peeked out from behind the shawl to see that the wall on the other side of the sitting area had opened up into a small room, basically expanding the living space. There was a large rug on the floor, art on the walls, a cabinet against one wall, and in the middle of the room was a small table, like a game table. Jesus was sitting there with several of the Others gathered around, mostly all little boys. They were looking at a puzzle and putting it together, and one of the older parts of me, Starla I think it was, was circling around them a bit, feathering the hair of the littles as she went past each one. Then she looked at me and smiled. She was so transparent I could barely see her at that point, but I could see her smile at me.

Then Jesus got up from his chair at the table, and an Angel came into the room. He was one of the regular-sized Angels—very tall, but not overly tall, probably close to seven feet—and he had at least two sets of wings, maybe three sets? I can’t remember now, but it was at least two sets of wings.

Jesus came and stood beside where Balthazar and I were at on the couch, and we all watched the Angel with the children. The Angel sat down at the table where Jesus had previously been sitting, and waved his hand over the puzzle. All the puzzle pieces came together at once, then was quickly replaced by a chess set. Most of the littles laughed and clapped their hands, probably seeing it as some sort of magic trick, I suppose, but a couple of them protested, saying things like, “Hey!” Or, “That’s not fair!” But no one was really upset, I don’t think. Just a little surprised, maybe.

Then the angel waved his hand again, and the puzzle appeared again, still partially put together, so they all huddled over the table again and continued working at putting the rest of the puzzle together. Then another Angel came up behind the littles and spread his arms out very wide. Then he suddenly pulled his arms together again, as if to make a loud clap (but without the noise), and all the boys were suddenly integrated into one little boy sitting by himself at the table. The puzzle was gone again, having been replaced by a chess game.

The little boy jumped, startled, and slapped his neck as if a mosquito had bitten him there. He looked over his shoulder at the Angel standing behind him. “Hey!” he exclaimed loudly, and then all the little boys popped back out of him.

The Angel repeated his motion, and the boys merged together into one again.

But the little boy jumped again, slapped his neck, and the other boys popped back out.

It looked a little comical, honestly, the boys popping in and out and the back and forth between the Angel and the little boy. If I wouldn’t have been so curious about it all, I might have laughed.

But the Angel made his motion again, once more merging all the littles into one, and the Angel who had been sitting in the chair across from the little boy suddenly stood up and laid hold of the little boy in some fashion, I guess so all the other little boys wouldn’t pop out again. The Angel didn’t use his hand, but somehow by unseen force, the little boy’s body was lifted up into the air, and as he was sort of floating there, eyes closed, limp and peaceful looking, the Angels started slowly waving their wings, and gold dust billowed up and around the whole room.

At some point, one of the Angels—or maybe it was a different one, I’m not entirely sure—came to stand before me and Balthazar as we were sitting on the couch, and he waved his wings towards us, too, and the gold dust billowed up and around us.

I’m pretty sure it’s healing dust. They’re Angels “with healing in their wings.” I’ve seen it before, but I had forgotten all about it until this morning.

And I sat there with Balthazar, dazzled and overwhelmed and very humbled by all of the care from Jesus, and the care from Balthazar, and the care from the Angels. And overwhelmed, and a little confused, too, at the thought of being actually invited in to Jesus’s house (!!) and eating his food and bathing in his pool and sitting on his couch. I don’t understand why God would allow me to have these things, and to see these things, and to experience these things. Sometimes it seems very odd, and it doesn’t always make sense. But I’m very grateful and very thankful, nevertheless.

Two days later, on October 14th, I went back to Jesus’s house where I saw him in a different room, working clay on a potter’s wheel. I watched him for a while, taking note of the long table where cups and a pitcher had been placed that he had already finished.¹

I finally spoke up in a teasing sort-of way, and observed with a laugh, “I thought you were a carpenter.”

He looked up at me and laughed as well, and with a wave of his arm around the room he replied, “I made all of this,” putting a heavy emphasis on all.

That was the moment I realized that the house Jesus had brought me to was a House that he had built, and it has been a place of much healing and much learning.

Eventually I learned that Jesus built the House for me, and this cozy little house—my mansion, my room in God’s house, my eternal home—is not just waiting for me in the afterlife, but it’s here now, accessible to me now.

Although it’s likely that I may always unconsciously use dissociation as an automatic way of coping, I’m getting much better now, and over the next three years, I and the Others were integrated, healed by the Spirit of God through the work of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Balthazar.

This doesn’t mean I just sit around, though. No, I’m actively involved in the process both with the spiritual aspects as well as the physical aspects, working through my past trauma with the help and support of my family in the physical, as well as my family in the spiritual, learning better ways of coping, how to handle conflict and stress, managing strong emotion so I don’t feel so overwhelmed, learning better communication, etc. I talk about some of the more practical things I have done to facilitate healing in my post “About Dissociative Disorders.” I hope you find it helpful.

The kingdom of God is in our midst (Luke 17:21) and it is near (Matthew 3:2), but it is not of this world nor of this realm (John 18:6).

How then do we find it?

Follow Jesus. He is the way.

Let not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house there are many mansions. And if not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I am coming again and will receive you to Myself, that where I am, you may be also. And you know the way to the place I am going.

Thomas says to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going; how can we know the way?”

Jesus says to him, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father, if not by Me. If you had known Me, you would also have known My Father. From now you know Him, and have seen Him.”
John 14:1-7